YOU FIRST - Week 2

Getting Along with the Ones you Love Most.

Gabriele Rienas’ two week series on healthy relationships went interactive on Sunday. We invited you to text us your questions during the sermon and you happily complied. We were able to answer several of them but it was impossible to address them all in the time we had. Fortunately, the rest of the questions have been answered here. Keep in mind that these are the short answers to issues that are often complicated and painful.  

1. What happens if one gets saved in a marriage when both were not saved when they got married?

That’s somewhat of a good news, bad news thing.  The good news is that God is reaching out to your family and drawing you to Him.  The bad news is that if you are first to respond to His Call, there will be a period of time where you will be disconnected from your spouse with regards to your new-found faith.  Having said that,  I believe the “Good News” part is much more powerful.  Whatever your relationship was before, it can only be strengthened as you access Biblical truth and Holy Spirit power to help you be a better spouse than ever before.

Never use your faith as a battering ram or in a judgment of others.  Remember,  you desire your spouse to join you – therefore the invitation must be made in a positive, desirable manner;  not one that  repels.  Your life, more than your words, will be the example.  Do not engage in debate or coercion.  Respect and honor your spouse more than ever.  Above all, pray for them diligently. 

2. How are you going to deal with the Canadian Hockey Team loss?

Non-relevant question…….

3. How can I help my husband if he is losing his faith?

This is a difficult one.  This is clearly one of those areas that you cannot control.  Painful as this may be to observe, God is the only one who can draw him back and remind your husband of His first love for Christ.  Therefore, prayer is your first obligation.  This would be a case where intercession and fasting on his behalf would be vastly better than any kind of argument, debate or pleading on your part.  Resist the urge to constantly visit the topic and “see how he’s doing”.  Let him know that you are diligently praying for him and that you care about his spiritual journey.  Painful as this may be for you, if he has a new and fresh encounter with his faith, it can be more powerful and real than ever before.  Spend this difficult time, drawing closer to Jesus than ever before and experiencing his Love and comfort.

4. How do you get your spouse to communicate?

I’m assuming you mean, “How can I get them to speak or articulate their thoughts”.  The key word is “get”.  I’m not sure you can “get” another adult to do anything.  There are things you can “invite” people to do.  In order to do this, take a good look at the person you have married and then take a good look at yourself.

If you have married a person who more quiet by nature,  then it is a personality issue.  It’s not likely that this will change much.  Remember, this is what you chose.  Ask yourself why you chose a person who is less likely to be highly verbal.   This might give you some new insight.  Next, you will have to learn how to approach them in a way that invites as much communication as possible.  Obviously, people are much more likely to communicate in a safe, non-punitive environment.  They are also much more likely to communicate if they do not feel badgered or coerced.  If they are slow to speak, they need time to process and formulate their sentences.  Your definition of communication is different than theirs.  Learn to read between the lines.  Sometimes, NOT communicating, IS communicating!  If my husband isn’t speaking to me; he’s actually communicating loud and clearly. 

If your spouse has changed -  i.e. they used to be significantly more engaged -  then you need to discover the answer to the question:  Why has it changed?  Sorry to say – you must take part of the responsibility for this.  Do they feel they are not heard?  Have they come to believe they will be interrupted or discounted?  Are they made to feel inferior or stupid when they speak?  Do they feel that you regard them poorly and with distain?

If damage has been done, you will have to undo it.  Start today to provide safety, positive regard and loving respect.  Ask God to help you. 

5. In my family when we argue my husband never wants to talk about the problems and fix them but he would rather blow it off and not talk so what should I do in that situation?

In a perfect world, we would always talk about problems and solve them quickly and carefully with great respect and honor towards the other.  That’s the goal:  however, we don’t live in a perfect world.  Conflict avoiders fear conflict.  It causes a great deal of discomfort and internal pain which they want to avoid at all costs.  

The answer to #4 applies here as well.  Look at the person you married and look at yourself.  Work on providing as safe a place as possible for difficult discussions.  Ask yourself if your husband has come to avoid conflict because of your responses.  If this is the case, start changing today! 

Let him know when you would like to talk about something (calmly and kindly); but respect his boundaries if he does not wish to.  If he still refuses to talk; give up trying to control him and work on yourself.  Thank God that he is ultimately in control of the thing you cannot control.

6. DOMINANCE….how do we re-establish equality?

First a question:  Do you both want to?  If you both want to:  it’s actually easy.  Mutually begin to see each other as peers and equals.  Repent of your feelings of superiority and respond in an adult fashion.  Acknowledge the other person’s thoughts, intellect, feelings and preferences. 

If only one of you wants to establish equality it becomes a bit more difficult and you will need patience and healthy internal language.  You must begin to see yourselves as equals in God’s eyes.  This means neither one of you is superior.  If the other behaves as though this is so, it does not make it true.  Respond kindly and honorably, but know within yourself that you have equal standing in God’s eyes.   It’s nice when others’ validate your worth, but if they don’t – it doesn’t change anything.  God’s opinion is ultimately the only one that matters!

7. I did not get the joke about getting a scale instead of a car.

Insisting that she wanted a sports car, she said for her birthday he better get her something that goes from zero to 180 in 4 seconds flat.   

8. How can one forgive infidelity and trust again.

It’s really, really hard……but completely possible.  It takes time, patience and a willingness to ride a roller-coaster  of emotion.  While the person who chooses to be unfaithful is 100% responsible for their choices,  infidelity SHOUTS that there are difficulties in a relationship.  These must be examined, painful as that may be. 

Forgiveness must be pursued diligently.  It is a process that will grow over time, but commitment to the process is crucial.  The alternative will only hurt yourself and your family. 

In this case, I would strongly recommend counseling with a Christian counselor to help you walk through the maze of emotions and issues.

Let me encourage you by saying that I know many couples who have walked this difficult road and have successfully entered a new phase of relationship that is stronger and better than ever before.  It is a journey that is something like “hell on earth” while in the midst of it; but entirely redemptive in the end.   

9. What is your opinion on the submission scripture?

If you are referring to Ephesians 5 the passage starts out by saying:  “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  Clearly, we are to submit to one another. 

Paul goes on to specifically refer to wives and husbands.  He says, “wives submit to your husband” and “husbands, love your wives”.   It does not mean that either husband or wife is exempt from the other’s obligation.   He just finished saying that they should submit to one another so husbands are not exempt from submitting;  just as wives are not exempt from loving their husbands even though Paul writes that part to the men. 

Therefore:  We get 2 relationship obligations from this particular passage:

1.  Submit to one a another                                                                   

2.  Love one another as Christ loved the church

Both are high callings and require a lot of denial and grace.

10. I don't have a question, but I wanted it to be known that Life Church has changed my life.